No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
