I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
