my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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