just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
