I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
