Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
