Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You are the jesus of drinking
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
