My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
