i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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