I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
