I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
