Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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