I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
