i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
