Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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