I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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