i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
