He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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