imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
