He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
