I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize