Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
