tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
