Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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