Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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