I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
