i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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