C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
