i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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