No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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