it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
