So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Alive.
So much puke
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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