Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
