The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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