It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
