In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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