An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
