Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
