I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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