Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So many bounce houses so little time
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
