He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
