I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
