I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
