sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
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