Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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