maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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