I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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