just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
