the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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