my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
