I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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