There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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