My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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