Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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