You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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