She's JV to your varsity
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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