Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
