So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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