I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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