I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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