I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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