If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
