Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
