I'm so fucking centered right now
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
