I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
