is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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