i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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